Delusions of Pandeur
by EndoplasmicPanda
Summary: This is where Kakuzu tries to kill Hashirama and wins a prize. Where Boruto hangs out with Kakashi for an afternoon and is thoroughly disturbed. Where Danzo's real name is Craig. The random dead side projects and flashfics that have yet see the light of day. (One-shot collection)
1. Chapter 1

**Delusions of Pandeur -** **A One-Shot/Flash Fic Archive**

* * *

 **General Overview:** This is a place for me to dump all of the various amounts of unfinished/cracky/ridiculous stories I've started/worked on/finished/vomited up over the past few months - either on Reddit, on Spacebattles, or on Tumblr. They're all pretty short - none are really over 1000 words - but they vary from being complete and utter crack to sometimes angsty and hashtag deep. But I have a bunch of them that most people probably haven't seen, and I want them all in once place, so here we go!

I'm going to start each chapter with a small description (because these are all individual one-shots). Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!

* * *

 **Table of Contents:** So you don't have to go digging through each chapter to find the fic that interests you.

Chapter 1 (This chapter): In Which Kakuzu Tries to Attack Hashirama

Chapter 2: In Which Hiruzen Learns Danzo's Most Accidental Secret

Chapter 3: In Which Naruto Discovers Daytime Television

Chapter 4: In Which Orochimaru Makes out With an Erlenmeyer Flask

Chapter 5: In Which Itachi Makes a Choice

Chapter 6: In Which Endo Writes the Very First Naruto x Seinfeld Crossover

Chapter 7: In Which Kakashi Nearly Goes Full Itachi

Chapter 8: In Which Tobirama Runs for President

Chapter 9: In Which Sakura Gives Up

Chapter 10: In Which Patronizing Hashirama Makes a Triumphant Return

* * *

 **FIC THE FIRST  
** _ **In Which Kakuzu Tries to Attack Hashirama**_

Description: Sand refused the Seven-Tails in favor of more fertile land. Hashirama ended up gifting it to Waterfall after they sent Kakuzu to try and assassinate him.

Presumably he was disappointed with the effort.

* * *

"Did... did you just try to attack me? In the middle of my office?" Hashirama looked over his smoldering newspaper at the befuddled man standing across the room from him.

"Uhh... yes?"

He set the paper down, a sad frown on his face. "Oh... Oh, you poor thing."

"E-excuse me?"

"Is the Hidden Waterfall _really_ that desperate? I... I had no idea..."

Kakuzu blinked. "I don't... understand... Wait, are you _crying?_ "

"You poor, poor thing!" Hashirama wailed. "To be forced to attack _me,_ Hashirama Senju! And it was such... such a _pitiful_ attempt, too! Is that really the best you can _do?"_ He frowned at the Waterfall nin, a look of genuine concern on his face, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

"You were supposed to _die!"_ Kakuzu snarled, both confused and slightly disturbed. "That jutsu was flawless!"

Hashirama just shook his head slowly, like a parent who caught his child lying. "Oh. Oh my. I had no idea it was so bad there." He reached into his desk drawer, pulling out a small scroll with the number '7' printed across the label.

He rose to his feet and made his way across the room. Kakuzu just froze, not entirely sure what was about to happen.

When he felt the scroll pressed into his hands, he jumped.

"Here," Hashirama smiled. "You need this more than I do." Then, he wrapped his arms around the man in a tight hug. "You poor, poor thing."

Kakuzu shook, absolutely livid. "Are... are you _patronizing me?"_ He snuck a glance at the scroll now in his hands, and his eyes widened. "Did you... did you just give me a _tailed beast?!_ What do you think I am, a child?! I'm _immortal,_ for fuck's sake!"

Hashirama just 'aww'ed, and patted the man on the back of the head. "Of course. Of course you are. You're nice and strong and immortal. And I'm very proud of you."


	2. Chapter 2

**FIC THE SECOND  
** _ **In Which Hiruzen Learns Danzo's Most Accidental Secret**_

Description: Okay, so this one is tricky to explain. Essentially, someone online described Danzo as a "group of artfully arranged organs" when describing how they'd string him up from the rafters after killing him (because that's how fanfiction discussions tend to go on the internet, apparently), and I misread it as "group of artfully arranged ORPHANS".

So I wrote this.

Whoops.

* * *

Hiruzen sighed as he walked down the shadowed halls of ANBU Headquarters, his pipe hanging absentmindedly from his mouth.

There were many things he could have been doing that lonely Thursday night, but accosting his estranged former teammate for running an underground child indoctrination organization was probably the furthest thing on his list.

His sniffed. Well... that, maybe, and doing his laundry. There was a reason he preferred wearing the cloaks, after all.

Beady eyes watched him from the darkness, no doubt Danzo's ROOT operatives ensuring he took the correct path through the labyrinth of tunnels and passageways that had apparently been sitting just under his nose for longer that he cared to imagine. He frowned at one boy in particular, silently hoping that his mental chastising would turn the brainwashed ninja back into the cheery, flamboyant child they once were. But he'd seen the results of Danzo's meddling- it wasn't pretty.

He folded his hands within one another behind his back as he rounded the corner, suddenly finding himself standing in the middle of what could only be described as a massive room - two paths converged in the middle, bridging out over what looked to be an infinitesimally deep pit.

And standing in the middle, hand resting atop a cane, was the organization's stoic-faced leader himself.

"You know, when we began this operation years ago, I had assumed this day would have come far sooner than it did," Danzo's gravelly voice echoed.

"Your debauchery has gone on long enough, Danzo."

The man blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"What's to be pardoned?" Hiruzen said, frowning. "You know what you've done. And I've come to put a stop to it."

"No, no, that's not it," Danzo said hastily. "You called me Danzo. You... know that's not right... _right?_ "

Hiruzen froze. _"What?"  
_  
"Indeed," the artist formerly known as Danzo said with a shrug. "You know, I don't recall you've ever actually addressed me by name a single time before tonight. Not in all fifty years of our camaraderie."

Hiruzen blinked a few times. "Now that can't possibly be correct. You and I have held a professional relationship for a long time. There is no way I hadn't called you Danzo before this time."

'Danzo' just sighed, looking almost... _sad?_ "No. Almost everyone else has called me by that name at least once, and I've had the opportunity to correct them. But you... you never have."

"Well then, what does Danzo actually mean?" the Third said, rubbing his eyes. There was no way this wasn't a trick - a last-ditched effort to pull a fast one on him. "Humor me."

"Oh, that?" Ƭ̵̬̊ said with a proud smile. "There never was a ROOT, you know! The name of my _organization_ is Danzo. All these children operate as Danzo, as the shadowed protectors of Konoha!"

Hiruzen just _looked at him_. "Of _course_. How silly of me to think otherwise." Then, he realized something. "What's your real name, in that case? If it's not Danzo?"

The man smiled proudly. "Oh, right! My real name's Craig."


	3. Chapter 3

**FIC THE THIRD**  
 _ **In Which Naruto Discovers Daytime Television**_

Description: Naruto narrates his life in the first person like he's in a Film Noir detective story, even though everything is normal.

* * *

 _I walked into her office around half past five, just as the sun was going down. The dust hanging in the air seemed to shroud her in a cocoon of despair. The room smelled of old tobacco and cheap liquor. Just what was I getting myself into?_

"...Naruto?"

 _She seemed perplexed to see me, if the strange combination of scowl-meets-frown on her face was anything to go by. Her eyes were heavy with lack of sleep, and judging from the paleness of her skin, she was dehydrated. Hungover, it seemed._

 _I closed the door as I made my way inside, if for nothing else than the sense of finality it gave. My time was money... and there weren't many private detectives left in that godforsaken city. I didn't expect to be there for long._

"Why the hell are you narrating everything? And why are you wearing that god-awful orange trenchcoat?"

 _Her blond hair swayed when she yelled. It was one of her most telling features. Well, one of many, that was._

"What in the name of- what the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

 _She rose from her desk like a bum rose to the morning sun, its unwelcome brightness poking its way across the East Side skyline. If there was one thing that oozed danger more than an angry woman, it was an angry Tsunade Senju. I smirked at the thought._

"Ahh.. sorry, Lady Tsunade. He's been acting like this all day-"

 _It was at that moment that my beautiful assistant chimed in, stepping forward in that manner that could only ever spell trouble. I shifted the lit cigarette in my mouth, already dissatisfied with the taste._

 _Perhaps this meeting wasn't going to be quite so short after all._

"Who are you calling 'assistant', you son of a bitch?! And that's not a cigarette, you nimrod, it's a popsicle stick! _Shannaro!_ "

 _My mind traced itself back to the small corner convenience store on the corner of Main and Mays where I had acquired them, the sweet smell of discarded booze and cheap perfume dangling in my memory like the smell of long forgotten death. And knowing Konoha, it may very well have not been my imagination._

 _I shifted the gun in my pocket, a nervous habit I had picked up in the service. The city was in danger. Why else would I be there?_

"What the hell are you talking about?! Iruka gave you that popsicle this afternoon! You never bought it from some sleazy hole in the wall!"

 _Things were quickly getting out of hand, the client growing angrier and angrier, like a dog past dinnertime._

 _I needed to make this quick. She was a loose cannon - my life could have very well been on the line. And my partner's incessant bickering wasn't helping any either._

 _She was lucky she was pretty._

"What did you just say?!"

"If you dare to call me a dog one more time, I could make sure of it, brat!"

 _The client's chest heaved in poorly concealed rage, the pictureframes on the walls rattling as she banged on the rotted wooden desk in front of her._

 _This was bad. I needed to get my case file and leave, and quickly. I couldn't afford to be there any longer... and I wasn't just talking about money._

"Ahh, Naruto. You showed up. I'm surprised, you've been holed up in that apartment of yours for a few days now."

 _The window on the far side of the room squeaked open, as if someone had stepped on the tail of a sewer rat. We all turned at once to the source of the voice, and I mentally sighed in relief._

 _The chief. He was much better at handling Ms. Senju than I was._

"Kakashi! Do you know what's gotten into him? I haven't seen him this strange since... the cowboy incident."

"Ahh. Yes. It would seem his landlord forgot to cancel his cable this month."

"Damn it, not again..."

In theaters this fall... directed by Quentin Tarant-Ino...  
 ** _KONOHA NOIR_**


	4. Chapter 4

**FIC THE FOURTH**  
 _ **In Which Orochimaru Makes out With an Erlenmeyer Flask**_

Description: AthanatosOra (of "To Be Lost on the Road of Life" fame) said she shipped Orochimaru with science. So naturally this was the only sensible outcome of that conversation.

* * *

"Oh, Erlenmeyer flask - how I love you so," Orochimaru cooed, as Kabuto readjusted his glasses in the shadows of the doorframe behind his master, one hand clasped gently around a small brown clipboard.

"Ehem," the bespectacled man coughed, slightly embarrassed, before he shrank back in fear as the snake Sannin turned and glared at him with the intensity of several dying stars.

"WHAT? CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?"

"I… erm… You got a package. The delivery guy needs you to sign for it, Lord Orochimaru."

"O-oh. Must be those piranha eggs I bought off of eBay. Just… just leave it over there by the shrunken heads and toenail clippings. I'll get to it in a second."

"Ehh… right. Do you need a pen?"

"OF COURSE I NEED A PEN, YOU INSOLENT FOOL! NOW LEAVE MY SIGHT BEFORE I PUT YOUR HEAD IN A GLASS JAR NEXT!"

A faint dust cloud was all that remained of his faithful assistant, as the sounds of his pattering feet echoed off down the corridor outside. Begrudgingly, he emblazoned the shipping form with his John Hancock, dotting the "i" with a little atom symbol.

"Now then…" he sighed wistfully, his task complete. "Where were we, Mr. Erlenmeyer?"

Many dozens of feet away, Kabuto shivered, trying to force the image of the flask covered in large, bright-red lipstick kisses out of his mind.

The Uchiha kid was bad enough as it was.


	5. Chapter 5

**FIC THE FIFTH**  
 _ **In Which Itachi Makes a Choice**_

Description: This was posted as response to the /r/NarutoFanfiction Writing Prompt "Write an Akatsuki initiation ceremony". I obviously took it the crack route.

* * *

Itachi stepped inside the entrance to the cavern with his arms loose at his side, Sharingan whirling. His instincts screamed for him to move - to _hide_ , to seek cover, but he pressed onwards. He could see a group of mercenaries such as the Akatsuki killing weak applicants as a simple show of brutal strength, but Itachi wasn't what one would consider a weak applicant.

His eyes scanned the darkness, sensing faint chakra signatures standing in a half circle near the far end of the room. A large wooden structure - perhaps a statue of some kind - stood between them, dangling forward, appendages outstretched.

Itachi approached.

"Itachi Uchiha," a booming voice echoed. "You have been summoned to join the ranks of the Akatsuki. Your skills and talents have potential to be valuable assets to Akatsuki and her goals."

Itachi approached further. Seven faint outlines surrounded a table at the base of the statue, where three sheets of paper laid.

As if he had triggered a switch, the room was bathed in light - sconces lining the walls burst into flame all across the cavern. The statue stared down at him, its mouth locked in a silent scream, eyes bandaged closed.

Six men and one woman, all draped in black cloaks, stared as well.

The man who spoke before stepped forward, his silver-violet eyes cutting into Itachi's crimson red with startling self-assurance. He gestured to the table before Itachi, which the Uchiha could now see held three small color images.

"Itachi Uchiha. You have a choice to make. What is your answer?"

Itachi stepped up to the table.

Three children's faces stared back at him. One blond and beaming, one shy and lily-eyed, and the other fierce and pink-haired.

"Well?" a silver-haired man with a large blade bit out as soon as Itachi had gotten a decent look. "Which one are you?"

At Itachi's blank stare, the man huffed and took a step forward, stabbing a finger at the two girls on the right. "Who do you ship? NaruHina or NaruSaku?"

Itachi blinked.

"I'm... sorry?"

"Should the choice be yours," the leader boomed, "who do you ship? Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga, or Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno?"

Itachi opened and closed his mouth once, then twice. "I'm not sure I follow..."

"Just pick one," smiled a strange man with the appearance of a shark. "It's not a hard decision to make. Just make the right one. Because there most certainly _is_ a right one."

Itachi was speechless.

The Akatsuki looked on.

Then, with a small smirk, Itachi reached into his ANBU uniform, dug around in his pockets...

...and slammed down a fourth image.

Sasuke Uchiha's cherub face stared up at them, and Itachi brought the photograph up to Naruto's.

"You are correct in that there is only one right answer," Itachi smiled. "Because the only correct ship is NaruSasu."

The leader stepped forward, a small smirk on his face, and handed Itachi a black cloak, a small red ring, and a heart-shaped button with Naruto and Sasuke's faces on it.

"Welcome," he bowed, "to Akatsuki: the official NaruSasu fan club."


	6. Chapter 6

**FIC THE SIXTH**  
 _ **In Which Endo Writes the Very First Naruto x Seinfeld Crossover**_

Description: My entry into the Spacebattles writing prompt challenge... thing. (It's _only_ a month late, so that's saying something!) The prompt was simply "Seinfeld crossover with an akatsuki pair", but I decided that it'd be more interesting if I made it four instead of two (because there are four main characters in Seinfeld, duh).

Nagato is Seinfeld, Sasori is George, Konan is Elaine, and Itachi is Kramer. Because shut up. This is also my first attempt at writing a crossover (that I've posted) so yeah. Go easy on me, capiche?

* * *

When Nagato woke that morning, he wasn't in the Akatsuki hideout. He wasn't in the Hidden Rain, nor was he locked in his uncomfortable chakra armor suit.

In fact, he was very _comfortable_. Strange sounds – were those _geese_ honking at each other? - rumbled through whatever thin-walled room he now found himself in, and beams of light were attempting to jackhammer their way past his locked eyelids to torment the poor, tired eyes that sat just beneath them. But he felt like he was laying on a cloud.

His first thought was of Konan. Had she decided to play some sort of practical joke? Was this her idea of a good time?

He forced his eyes open, and had to immediately slam them closed again at the sight that greeted him.

Beige.

 _Beige everywhere._

* * *

Nagato groaned and rubbed at his eyes as he made his way out of the strange room, still marveling at the fact he could walk again.

The morning had been nothing but surprises, it had seemed. At first, Nagato had attempted to reach out and summon his Six Paths of Pain, but after extending his senses and feeling nothing but white noise and an unexplainable desire to eat processed meats, he had given up and accepted he was no longer anywhere he was familiar with.

Thoughts of forcing Konan to clean the Hidden Rain village's sewers on her own as punishment came to mind, should she have a hand to play in his current situation.

Nagato walked past a strange blue metal contraption (were those handlebars? Perhaps it was a strange torturing device) and a small washcloset before making his way into what appeared to be the living area of a large, spacious apartment.

Much to his surprise, he found Sasori (actual Sasori, not the strange tomb he walked around in) sprawled out over his couch, wearing a white undershirt and a pair of something blue and hideous.

Nagato walked over and poked him.

Sasori's eyes shot open. He blinked once, then twice, then frowned.

Nagato watched him with a slightly bemused expression, mostly just excited about the fact that he wasn't alone in this strange place anymore.

"Wh…" Sasori attempted to speak, but he quickly froze up, his lungs seizing in his chest. It took a moment, but Nagato realized that the puppet man had forgotten to breathe.

"Who…" he began again, voice like gravel, "the hell are you? And why am I human again?"

Nagato blinked. "You do not know who I am?"

Sasori looked up at him for a moment, squinting his eyes, before he caught sight of the color of Nagato's. "Pein?"

"Indeed," Nagato sighed, making his way towards the kitchen. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

Sasori took a moment to look around, then inspect his surroundings. "Konan?" Then, he looked at himself. "What am I _wearing?_ "

"I do not know," Nagato muttered, finding a glass and pouring himself some water from the faucet in the sink. "I found similar looking clothes in the room I woke up in. Truly hideous."

The door slammed open, and a slightly disheveled looking Konan rushed into the room, eyes darting every which way. She was wearing what looked to be a strange black dress – except it was far more revealing than anything Nagato had seen her in before – and a large bag was slung over her shoulder.

"Nagato?" she said in disbelief at first, then breathed in a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank the Kami…"

"You have terrible taste in fashion, Konan," Sasori said from across the room, still sitting on the couch.

Konan raised an eyebrow, looking down at herself, pulling at the fabric. "I woke up in this."

"That is not what I am referring to," Sasori said in his usual drawl. "I'm referring to the strange clothing you have filled this cage with."

"Cage?" Konan blinked. "I… I did no such thing."

Nagato looked at her.

Sasori looked at her.

Konan cocked her head to the side in confusion. "What? I woke up on a foul-smelling street a few moments ago and sensed your chakra signatures. I came here as quickly as I could. I'm not sure what is happening at all."

Sasori didn't look convinced.

Konan glared. "I didn't—" She turned and looked up at Nagato. "Look, where is Itachi?"

Nagato blinked. "Itachi?"

The door smashed aside again, and a very confused Itachi stepped inside, as resigned as ever. He was wearing a hideous red shirt with yellow triangles dotted across its surface, and a pair of baggy brown pants. A small bag of something brown was held in his hands, and he frowned down at it.

"What are pretzels?" he asked.

* * *

"I saw this place on the way here," Konan stated, as they made their way down the street. "It looked appetizing, and there was a line that stretched around the block. As we have no other options, I assumed it to be our best choice."

They had set out as a group to find food, after discovering the apartment was empty of anything edible. The 'pretzels' had proved disastrous – Nagato shuddered at the memory of the saltiness – and the box labeled "Cheerios" seemed just as unappealing.

After digging around in a stack of paper in the corner, Nagato had learned that they were currently in a place known as "New York". (Itachi had asked a man on the street where "Old York" was, but the bum had done no more than gargle something incomprehensible and throw an empty bottle at the Uchiha's head.)

Against Nagato's better judgment, he had dressed himself in a pair of the denim monstrosities he found in the apartment, and put on the first shirt he could find – a large, white, poofy one.

Judging from the way the rest of the population of "New York" dressed, he wasn't too far from the norm.

"There it is," Konan muttered, falling into line beside Nagato.

The group stopped.

Before them, across the street (where those awful metal carriages carrying angry people ricocheted from one horizon line to the other), was a small shop, nestled in the bottom floor of a massive building.

The sign above the building said "Soup Kitchen".

"Should we go inside?" Sasori asked, raising a nonexistent eyebrow.

"Ayy, get the hell out of the street!" a man yelled from across the way.

"I believe so," Itachi surmised.

* * *

After standing in line for a few moments, the Akatsuki found themselves in front of a burly man with a large mustache. He looked angry.

"NEXT!" the man shouted.

Nagato raised an eyebrow.

"I shall have a…" he paused, scrutinizing the menu one last time to be sure of his decision, "medium crab bis…"

Nagato paused when he noticed the way the man twitched.

"Is there a problem?"

The man grew redder.

Sasori reached over and tugged on Nagato's shirt. "I don't think he likes it when you take too long to order," he muttered.

Nagato mentally shrugged, turning back to the counter. "As I said, I shall have a medium crab bisque." As he watched the man ladle the soup into a styrofoam container, he realized he did not want to have to walk here again for his next meal. "Actually, make that two."

The man began to visibly shake.

Nagato stared him down.

A hush rushed over the crowd. The entire line of customers turned and watched Nagato, flabbergasted at the nerve of the strange man wearing a pirate's outfit.

"No soup for you," the ladler ground out from behind clenched teeth.

Nagato narrowed his eyes. "What did you just say?"

The man's nostrils flared, and Nagato swore he saw a blood vessel in his forehead burst. "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"

The building began to vibrate.

Lights flickered. Dust and particulates from the roof tiles began to rain down on the customers inside the shop. A water main outside of the building burst.

"You _dare,_ " Nagato boomed, leaning over the counter, "deny soup to a _GOD?"_

The building exploded.

* * *

"Itachi," Konan began, as they walked back to Nagato's apartment, "was the Mangekyou Sharingan really necessary?"

Itachi shifted the massive metal pot of still-steaming soup from one shoulder to the other. They paused at a stoplight, waiting for an endless stream of "cars" with flashing lights on top to scream past them.

A small explosion rocked the earth, and one of the flashing-light cars flew overhead them, ablaze in black flame, its siren yelping like a frightened puppy.

Itachi blinked. "Yes."

* * *

They found themselves far too sick of soup far too quickly.

The Akatsuki (or what was left of them) met in a diner several blocks from Nagato's apartment to formulate a plan on how to move forward the next day, desperate for something other than liquefied potatoes and broth.

"Since Konan refuses to take credit for this," Sasori had begun, "I suggest we raze the city of 'New York' and make a 'New Amegakure'." He glared at the other diner patrons that had shot him worrying looks.

"I recommend we research a way home," Itachi said, sipping on his coffee. "My… living arrangements currently are… _interesting,_ to say the least _._ "

"I hate the people here," Konan added, also glaring at the others in the diner with them. "And we don't even know how we got here. Shouldn't we look into that as well?"

They all turned to Nagato for his say. He had the final word, after all – even if Itachi and Sasori had never seen him in his leadership role outside of one of his Six Paths of Pein.

"Well…" Nagato began, his voice like gravel, "I don't think we should do anything."

Konan blanched. "Are you saying you want us to do… nothing?"

Nagato nodded. "Absolutely nothing."

She slumped back into the booth. "Huh."

Nagato took a swig of water. "Yup."

Itachi blinked. "So that's it, then?"

"That's it."

"…I see."

Sasori shrugged. "I'm fine with that. I've wanted to retire for a long time now and work on my puppets anyways." He turned and whittled off a piece of his apple pie with a fork. "Besides, we'll be doing nothing. What could possibly go wrong?"


	7. Chapter 7

**FIC THE SIXTH**  
 _ **In Which Kakashi Nearly Goes Full Itachi**_

Description: Another /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt submission! The prompt this time was to "write about that one day that was so terrible it caused a character to snap and finally just go postal".

* * *

Kakashi Hatake was _not_ a serial killer.

Well... he did kill. And it tended to be on a serial basis. But those were _orders._ No, really. He pinky swore.

But when he walked into his apartment one unsuspecting Tuesday afternoon, bags of groceries under his arms, and found it ransacked and smothered in orange paint... Kakashi nearly changed his job description then and there.

The act itself screamed Naruto, the planning was clearly Sakura's... and the cool indifference that hung in the air like bad gas after curry night could have only come from someone like Sasuke.

It wouldn't've been hard: all he would have had to have done was track down the three little shits, maim them and hang them from the trees by their entrails, and then head for the hills. The venerable Fifth Hokage would take care of the rest - he'd be in Bingo Books by the end of the week.

And he was seriously considering it.

Because his Icha Icha collection was gone.

* * *

The first place Kakashi looked was Ichiraku. A day didn't go by between Naruto's visits to the cute little ramen shop that was nestled away in the city center, and if there was anywhere that could be considered the brat's main base of operations, that was it.

Kakashi walked up to the entrance and pulled back at the fabric flaps. When he saw the forms of three students sitting at the counter, he nearly sneered with excitement.

He _had_ them.

Kakashi snuck up behind Naruto - the one in orange, because that's all the boy ever wore - and whispered in his ear.

"Hello there. Fancy finding you here."

What followed was a comedic display of embarrassment that would haunt Kakashi until the end of his days.

"WH-WHAT?! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't realize you weren't..." Kakashi blanched, as he watched the elderly couple and their grandchild (draped in orange, because of _course_ he was) scuttle out of the ramen shop, "you weren't my genin! Please, let me pay for your-"

"I think it'd be best if you leave," Teuchi said with a frown, crossing his arms.

And so Kakashi went on his merry way, his patience running thin.

He didn't even get to order any ramen for himself.

* * *

The next likely spot was their training ground - the one where he had humiliated all three of them and tied them to posts some short months ago.

Thoughts of similar punishments once he caught them began to dance through his mind - not unlike the way Yui danced in the climactic end of "Icha Icha: Bachelorette Party"...

His heart panged in his chest.

And when he rounded the corner and entered the clearing, it nearly stopped.

There, pinned to the middle post in the center of Training Ground 3 by a lowly kunai, was his prized collector's edition of Icha Icha: Violence.

He flew across the grounds like a rabid dog, tearing away at the kunai as soon as his hands made purchase.

He realized (too little, too late) that the copy of Icha Icha was a dud when the kunai refused to come undone.

He realized it was a paper bomb around the time he pulled his head from the tree two hundred yards away, and realized he was going to have to play dirty after he Chidori'ed half the park back into the stone age in poorly constrained anger.

Training Ground 3 was labeled as "radioactive" and abandoned for three months after _that_ event. The legend of Kakashi's breaking point snapping was taught in the Academy for generations following.

* * *

The last place he thought to look - his last chance, his last desperate attempt to bring the rest of Team 7 to justice - was found at the top of the Academy, in the Hokage's office.

When he slumped into the door, on his knees, tears streaming down from his eye, Tsunade just gave him a look. "What the hell's wrong with _you_?" She raised an eyebrow and set her newspaper down. "And why do you have a splinter the size of Konohamaru sticking out of your ass?"

"Please," he sobbed, "just tell me where they are? I won't kill them _that_ badly... only as much as they deserve."

Tsunade snorted. "Let me guess. Those brats took your smutty romance novels."

The puppy dog eyes was her answer.

She sighed. "Why didn't you use your jounin skills to track them down?"

Kakashi sniffed. "I tried. But somehow, they've managed to completely avoid me. And even set traps they knew I'd fall for." He pointed to the shard of tree that was, indeed, stuck in his ass.

"Hmph," Tsunade grumbled, lacing her fingers together above her desk. "Yes, I haven't been able to find them, either."

Then, a thought. "What about your summons? They are tracking dogs, right?"

"I already tried that, too. They're pretending they don't speak Human anymore." Kakashi sighed, drooping into one of the chairs in front of Tsunade's desk. "They've... truly learned well. I don't even know when they could've gotten ahold of the dogs just to talk to them without my permission."

Tsunade nodded in agreement. "Hmph. Just when you think they can barely handle C-ranks..."

The Hokage froze.

Kakashi froze.

"Wait," he muttered, "do you hear that?"

Tsunade strained her ears. "That... hissing sound?"

"Yes, exactly that."

"Unfortunately, yes. Yes I do."

They shared a look.

The building exploded.

Kakashi whirled around, falling into a taijutsu stance as he flipped himself back onto his feet. The smoke began to fade, twisting away under the motions of his body. The ringing in his ears died down, and the room began to refocus itself.

He was ready for war.

"SURPRISE!"

Kakashi blinked. Was that...?

"Hahaha! You should've seen the look on his face!"

"He _did_ look pretty surprised, didn't he?"

"Hmph."

Kakashi blinked again when the fog was whipped away - like a tablecloth under a set of fine china.

Team 7, standing atop a large toad, snickered down at him, looming over the Hokage's office like sentinels.

Big, smelly, toad-riding sentinels.

Kakashi deadpanned. "What exactly is going on here?"

Naruto's face split open in the widest grin Kakashi had ever seen, and he pulled his two teammates underneath his arms (after much struggling) and into him in a side hug. "Happy birthday!" he yelled, and squeezed (still with much struggling).

Kakashi's stare deepened, and it looked like he aged thirty years in the span of half a second. "It's not my birthday," he muttered.

"What?! Yes it i-OW!" Naruto grimaced when Sakura elbowed him in the ribs, pulling herself out of the forced hug like a baby deer stuck in quicksand - although the act was far less endearing, what with Naruto being clingy and all.

"You numbskull! I told you to check before we did all this!"

"But I did!" Naruto whined.

Sasuke ground his teeth together. "Whatever. What's done is done. Let's just get this over with and get back to missions."

"Ehh," Kakashi said meekly, rubbing at his chin, "what exactly is it we are 'getting over with'?"

"Oh!" Naruto said with a beaming smile, and the toad disappeared in another plume of smoke. It left behind a present - a soggy, toad drool-covered present. Naruto bent over, picked it up, and shook some saliva off of the parcel before handing it over. "Here you go! Happy birth-" he winced when Sakura shot him a glance, "Happy, eh, Tuesday, Sensei!"

Kakashi felt a trickle of sweat bead its way down his neck.

This couldn't be good.

He tore away at the paper, being careful not to touch too much of the drool, and peeled it away from what laid inside.

It was his Icha Icha collection!

"Open them up!" Naruto beamed, and Kakashi (for once) did as he was told.

~ KAKASHI: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'M GLAD YOU LOVE THESE AS MUCH AS I LOVED WRITING THEM.  
YOU'RE A FANTASTIC SHINOBI, AND A FANTASTIC SENSEI.  
MINATO WOULD BE PROUD.  
YOURS,  
JIRAIYA ~

Kakashi let the book fall into his lap. "You... did all this for me?"

"Who else would we do it for?" Sakura asked, genuinely curious.

"So all of what happened today..."

"Was to keep you distracted!" Naruto smiled. "I planned the paint bomb in your apartment, Sakura got the Nakamura family to dress like us at Ichiraku, and Sasuke placed the genjutsu." He smirked and rolled his shoulders in self-haughtiness. "And then we reverse summoned a toad to take us to Jiraiya to get the signatures! Pretty good, if I do say so myself."

Sakura shot Naruto a glare. "Hey, I helped plan most of this, you ingrate!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Idiot."

They were too busy bickering to notice the small smile hidden beneath Kakashi's mask. "Thank you."

Naruto froze, ducking beneath Sakura's punch (the one she threw after he stuck his tongue out at her). "Eh?"

"I said thank you," Kakashi said, with a shrug. "That was... actually very nice of you."

The three genin stopped, and smiled - proud.

"Now," Kakashi continued, "that just means that you'll only have to run _three_ dozen laps around the village, as opposed to _four_."

"Aww, come on, sensei!"

"AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE DAMAGE YOU DID TO MY OFFICE, BRAT!"

All of Team 7 - Kakashi included - froze, and turned to Tsunade... who was quite literally red and fuming.

"What do you say," Kakashi smiled, "we finish this up elsewhere?"

"Good idea!" the other three said in unison, and they bolted out of the room.


	8. Chapter 8

**FIC THE EIGHTH  
** _ **In Which Tobirama Runs for President**_

Description: ...pretty self explanatory.

* * *

Yesterday... yesterday, I read an article - have you seen this? Have you heard about this? - an _article_ that said Konoha wasn't great anymore. Did you read it? Oh my God. It's terrible. People saying that Konoha isn't great anymore. And you know what? It's true! Look, do you know what the problem is? Do you want to know what the problem is? I'll tell you, it's not the Senju, I can tell you that much. And listen, it's not the Hyuuga, either. I love the Hyuuga. The Hyuuga are great people. They love me. They're great. Just tremendous.

The problem with Konoha - it's true, I've seen it happen - is the _Uchiha_ , running around with their eyes, coming in and out of Konoha, and they're _crazy_. So crazy! Very crazy people. Now the Uchiha - and some of them are fantastic! Like Itachi, he's a good friend of mine, tremendous friend - the _Uchiha_ come in and out of the village... and if you ask me, they're probably planning a coup, that's how awful they can be. It's true! I was once in the Uchiha district, and I saw them _cheering_ when the Nine-Tails attacked. They were cheering, and celebrating. You know what I mean? Believe me, I saw it happen.

Here's what we're gonna do. You wanna know what we're gonna do? We're gonna build a wall. It's gonna be a nice wall, a great wall - just a big, beautiful, very tall wall. And we're gonna make the Uchihas pay for it. That's right. They're gonna pay for it. And you know why? Because we're gonna Make Konoha Great Again.

Thank you Wave Country, you've been fantastic, absolutely amazing. I'll definitely be coming back. It's beautiful. And you know what? I may come back and build a bridge. Wouldn't that be fantastic.


	9. Chapter 9

**FIC THE NINTH  
** _ **In Which Sakura Gives Up**_

Description: So this was a fun little drabble inspired by the recent events of the anime (ep. 478). The little bit where Sakura, Kakashi, and the Sage all were hanging out together got me thinking, and this strange... _thing_ came to be.

* * *

"Where the hell are they?" Sakura grumbled, fidgeting with her charred undershirt. "It's been twelve hours. I'm starting to get sick of this."

"What?" Kakashi said with a pout. "What's wrong with what we're doing now?"

He stroked at his equally charred facemask in thought, then shuffled the cards folded between his hands. "Go fish," he smiled to his right.

"Damn," the Sage of Six Paths grumbled, flipping through his own set of cards. "So close."

"Why in the name of _all that is holy_ —"

—she shot the so-called "God of Shinobi" a glare when he winked at her—

"—are we just _sitting around_ waiting for those two bozos to beat the shit out of each other? We already know how this'll turn out. Naruto'll say something stupid, and Sasuke will antagonize him, and then—"

The three shinobi winced as the horizon lit up like a second sun, the light singing away at the edges of their vision. The shockwave hit next, tossing boulders into the air like cheap plaster, and the battlefield, giant tree and all, quaked with the force of what felt like a meteor parking itself above northern Fire Country.

Judging from the events of the past days, Sakura didn't doubt something like that one bit.

"And then they destroy half a continent," she deadpanned. "Idiots."

The Sage cleared his throat with a violent snort - the kind of sound only an old man who gave so few shits about the world would make - and fumbled with the cards in his hand. "Blasted parchment."

Kakashi blinked, dazed at the explosion that was blooming high into the early evening sky, before he shook his head and went back to his own hand. "Yeah, I have to agree. I'm just not having any luck today." He turned, looking over at Sakura. "Sakura, do you have any threes?"

"What—" Sakura sputtered, wide-eyed, infuriated. "What... why _the hell_ are you not taking this seriously, sensei? Naruto and Sasuke are out there _killing each other_ , and you… you just want to—to play _cards_?!"

She grabbed at the small pile that had been set aside for her and tossed at Kakashi's face.

Kakashi just gave her a blank, bored stare, and shrugged. "I'll take that as a no."

"All those people," Sakura said, not paying them any attention as she leapt to her feet, "are _stuck_ in that _damn tree_ , and I can't do anything about it. Anything!" She started pacing. "And this is so _typical_ of them. They go and run off to _who knows where_ start beating the pulp out of each other. Why? Because they're _best friends_ , that's why. Of course that makes sense."

She kicked a pebble, and it went soaring off into the distance like a meteorite, the tail end smoking as it rocketed through the air.

Kakashi watched it vanish over the horizon and sighed. "Sakura, look. How do you think I feel?" He jutted his thumb in the direction of the old man hovering next to him, who had apparently just realized that playing cards were symmetrical. "This guy gives my cute little students a bunch of fancy powers, and they go off to kill each other." He fake sniffled. "And just after one of them finally came home. It's so sad."

Sakura narrowed her eyes and growled. "Get to the point, sensei."

Kakashi shrugged. "Hey, hey, don't beat up your dear old teacher. All I'm trying to say is that—"

—The motley crew, save for the Sage of Six Paths, winced and covered their eyes as another shockwave washed over the Land of Lightning—

"—and so you really shouldn't worry too much."

Sakura blinked. "What?"

Kakashi gave her a cheeky smile.

The Sage of Six Paths looked up and raised an eyebrow. "Was there not a mountain on the horizon before?"

With a long, exasperated sigh, Sakura slid down the side of the rock and stared at her masked sensei. "Alright, you know what? Fine. They can kill each other for all I care. I don't give a damn anymore."

Kakashi smiled even wider. "Great! So, about those threes..."


	10. Chapter 10

**FIC THE TENTH**  
 **In Which Patronizing Hashirama Makes a Triumphant Return**

Description: This is _definitely_ how Hashirama died. Yeah. Definitely.

* * *

Hashirama stood tall above the battlefield, perched atop a large boulder, his hair waving in the wind. He put his hands on his hips and looked at the sky, sniffling. "Are we done here? I've got a dinner reservation at six."

Might Kai stood across the desecrated clearing like a bent twig, his hair scorched and burning. He glowed a pale red glow, and his skin appeared to be peeling off from his body in bloody strips, vaporizing in the heat that radiated from him like a miniature sun.

"How..." he panted, taking a teetering step forward, clutching at his heart, "...how are you so powerful?"

Hashirama puffed out his chest, pursed his lips in thought. "I, uhh..."

The truth was, he was just lucky. Impossibly and incomprehensibly lucky.

But he couldn't just say _that_. The First Hokage had to say things that were _poetic!_ _Memorable!  
_  
So, naturally, he spat out the first bullshit answer that came to mind.

"It's my... uh..." he looked at the burning man in front of him, "...fire! My..." he turned to the forest in blank desperation, and his eyes narrowed in on a small willow tree by the river to their north, "...fire willow! No... willow fire!"

Yep. Absolute bullshit.

He beamed a megawatt smile, and puffed his chest up more. "Indeed! So the next time you come around the Hidden Leaf Village, beware of my willow fire! It protects us all!"

Might Kai coughed, and took another stumble forwards. "Your... Will of Fire? That is what makes you so invincible?"

Hashirama nodded so quickly Kai thought he saw afterimages.

When Kai had taken on the near-impossible task to assassinate the most powerful man in the Ninja World (a mission set aside for him by a strangely angry man with red-green eyes and noodles for bones), he hadn't realized that Hashirama would be this _daft_.

"I will die soon," he said through gritted teeth, and felt another of his internal organs shut down. He may as well ask. "Tell me... is there any way to kill you? I... must know."

Hashirama made his best 'macho' pose again from atop his rock, and shook his head. "Nay, evildoer! You cannot trump my willow!"

Kai raised an eyebrow.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

"Hey, Hashirama," he said, pointing off into the distance. "What's that over there?"

Hashirama's eyes went wide, and the man spun around so fast it looked like his hair was entering orbit. "What? Huh? I don't see anyth-"

Using the last of his strength, Kai leapt forward and planted a lone kunai in the Hokage's back.

Hashirama died in the same way a bird slammed into slate glass.

Kai harrumphed, and raised an eyebrow. "Huh. That worked."

And then he died too.


End file.
